So we continued onto symptom number four which is Suicidal Behavior or self-injury. I have never been a cutter because I have known a few and I didn’t want visible scars. I also never got a tattoo just in case you were wondering. I have thought about suicide 1000x and tried to commit suicide 3x so successfully that I ended up in the hospital all three times. After being in counseling this most recent time I actually just don’t even think of that as an option any more though honestly, and if I do have a rough day and a thought crosses my mind of wanting it all to be over, at that point I just move onto something else. Number 6 on the countdown is Varied or Random Mood Swings of which I am Queen I assure you. I’m like a rollercoaster some times and it’s not a fun ride not even for me. To describe what it’s like for me is actually a physical mental pain and it hurts extremely bad! Not like a migraine it’s hard to explain I guess but that is the best way that I have found to describe it. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness now these are the moments that always get me into trouble and definitely an area that I need to troubleshoot. Because these are the moments that I start feeling lonely or want to feel better about myself so I end up contacting old friends and falling into old traps and the cycle continues. Honestly, it is not an easy cycle to break or at least I have found it difficult but I like what I know because I generally know what to expect. I have to really focus on forming new neural pathways by consciously making better decision hence changing behaviors.
Problems with anger including frequent loss of temper which I definitely have experienced and still do to a point. I am getting better because it’s such an unattractive behavior. Stress related paranoia or loss of touch with reality is last but not least. I used to think everyone that was laughing was laughing at me, or that if I didn’t hear from a friend that I did something wrong. My friend Tara cured me of that one day, I texted her and she didn’t answer so I asked hher if I did anything wrong and she called me and said “Tasha, I’m having a bad day it has nothing at all to do with you! The earth doesn’t revolve around you.” Okay, this was an entirely new concept for me you see I thought that I was a bother but sometimes people just need space. I know I definitely have moments when I just need to be alone and now I am more aware of that and not as paranoid. I’m not perfect and I don’t think I ever will be but I’m going to just keep working at it until I get it.
So that’s it Borderline Personality Disorder my version of it anyways. I meet abused people all of the time that experience these in very different ways and that’s ok but now I know that I’m not alone it helps. My counselor and I finished the paper and I said so I guess I am Bipolar. She gave me this look that she does when I have a preconceived notion and said “No, you actually are experiencing borderline personality disorder.” I asked her if she was going to try to put me on meds and she said “No, actually we can work through this without meds. So I’m happy because I’ve done the whole medicating myself thing and before that I did the whole doctors medicating me thing so I prefer to work through it and come out of counseling as a better person than I was before I went in.
I was talking to my neighbor and she works in Online Marketing so I was asking her opinion on what I should do with this blog. I have in mind just going through what I go through and attaching it to borderline but I’m so much more fun then that. She told me just to write what’s going on so that’s what I’m going to do. Here and there I may throw in some articles but in the next few posts I’m going to talk about my recent online dating experience and then in separate blog posts I’m going to talk about my lifestyle change and weight loss journey, then I’m going to talk about my exciting new career moves and how I’m making a plan to achieve them. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you next time. 😉