Diagnosed Borderline Princess Part Duex

So we continued onto symptom number four which is Suicidal Behavior or self-injury. I have never been a cutter because I have known a few and I didn’t want visible scars. I also never got a tattoo just in case you were wondering. I have thought about suicide 1000x and tried to commit suicide 3x so successfully that I ended up in the hospital all three times. After being in counseling this most recent time I actually just don’t even think of that as an option any more though honestly, and if I do have a rough day and a thought crosses my mind of wanting it all to be over, at that point I just move onto something else. Number 6 on the countdown is Varied or Random Mood Swings of which I am Queen I assure you. I’m like a rollercoaster some times and it’s not a fun ride not even for me. To describe what it’s like for me is actually a physical mental pain and it hurts extremely bad! Not like a migraine it’s hard to explain I guess but that is the best way that I have found to describe it. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness now these are the moments that always get me into trouble and definitely an area that I need to troubleshoot. Because these are the moments that I start feeling lonely or want to feel better about myself so I end up contacting old friends and falling into old traps and the cycle continues. Honestly, it is not an easy cycle to break or at least I have found it difficult but I like what I know because I generally know what to expect. I have to really focus on forming new neural pathways by consciously making better decision hence changing behaviors.

Problems with anger including frequent loss of temper which I definitely have experienced and still do to a point. I am getting better because it’s such an unattractive behavior. Stress related paranoia or loss of touch with reality is last but not least. I used to think everyone that was laughing was laughing at me, or that if I didn’t hear from a friend that I did something wrong. My friend Tara cured me of that one day, I texted her and she didn’t answer so I asked hher if I did anything wrong and she called me and said “Tasha, I’m having a bad day it has nothing at all to do with you! The earth doesn’t revolve around you.” Okay, this was an entirely new concept for me you see I thought that I was a bother but sometimes people just need space. I know I definitely have moments when I just need to be alone and now I am more aware of that and not as paranoid. I’m not perfect and I don’t think I ever will be but I’m going to just keep working at it until I get it.

So that’s it Borderline Personality Disorder my version of it anyways. I meet abused people all of the time that experience these in very different ways and that’s ok but now I know that I’m not alone it helps. My counselor and I finished the paper and I said so I guess I am Bipolar. She gave me this look that she does when I have a preconceived notion and said “No, you actually are experiencing borderline personality disorder.” I asked her if she was going to try to put me on meds and she said “No, actually we can work through this without meds. So I’m happy because I’ve done the whole medicating myself thing and before that I did the whole doctors medicating me thing so I prefer to work through it and come out of counseling as a better person than I was before I went in.

I was talking to my neighbor and she works in Online Marketing so I was asking her opinion on what I should do with this blog. I have in mind just going through what I go through and attaching it to borderline but I’m so much more fun then that. She told me just to write what’s going on so that’s what I’m going to do. Here and there I may throw in some articles but in the next few posts I’m going to talk about my recent online dating experience and then in separate blog posts I’m going to talk about my lifestyle change and weight loss journey, then I’m going to talk about my exciting new career moves and how I’m making a plan to achieve them. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you next time. 😉

Diagnosed Borderline Princess

As I sat in my counselor’s office she pulled out a piece of paper and asked me, “If I would feel comfortable going over a list?” I replied “Sure.” I am going to counseling because I want the help but the thought that immediately came into my mind was “This is going to be something that is trying to diagnose me with Bipolar Disorder or something similar.” As she started reading the list I had an excuse for every item on the list. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, Yes, I was experiencing that in fact, everytime my ex-fiancé threatened to leave is when I would flip out. I had been able to keep my cool for the most part of our relationship but his threatening to leave was something I couldn’t control my reaction to. He knew it and he played off of it. My real dad bailed when I was young and my step-dad’s family treated my mother and I like we were lepers. Then a constant string of short term relationships followed for the rest of my life. Mostly, because I was terrified of rejection and always left first. Next, She asked “If I had a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships?” “Yes.” I replied, but I was hanging out with the wrong crowd. I always chose what I thought was the underdogs of life. In reality this is a true statement. I’ve surrounded myself with drug addicts, dealers, alcoholics, abusive individuals, and people that had no goals in life. They just complained how life had been unfair to them but they never did anything about it. I am different than that, I am a fighter, an overcomer, not a victim. I may not be in control of everything that happens to me but I have learned three very important things in life. One is that I am the one who is in charge of my choices. I can choose to continue surrounding myself with people that do not share the same outlook on life as myself or I can walk away and go do something about it. Secondly, I have learned that you can’t control everything that happens to you but you can control how you react to it and how you allow it to effect you. Thirdly, I learned that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Some people call that last one Karma.

My counselor continued with number three on the list “Do you experience Identity disturbance such as a significant and persistent unstable self image or sense of self?” I have experienced this throughout my life. I have always been told that I am beautiful, that I have some wonderful prince charming and brilliant future awaiting me. But with my history of abuse that I have endured I don’t think very highly of myself because I have allowed people to treat me poorly in the past. Freaking Disney the couple doesn’t always ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Although, I must say that they have the villians down to a T.

We continued to number four Impulsivity in at least two areas that are self-damaging such as sex, drug abuse, reckless driving and binge eating. In which, I have successfully experienced each of these in depth and for many years. I just couldn’t get out of my own head so I drank and used drugs. I’ve done almost every type of drug that you can think of with the exception of heroine and crocodile. Crocodile is a drug that is big in Russia and the only reason that I know about is from a YouTube video from when I was looking for ways to quit smoking cigarettes. It’s completely made of chemicals and is worse but close to Meth from my understanding of the videos. It makes something happen to the users skin which looks like scales hence the name Crocodile. But Marijuana, Alcohol, Prescription pills, and on occasion Cocaine were my favorites. I can’t tell you one amazingly wonderful experience that I’ve had from using any of these things or from surrounding myself with the type of people that I hung around with when I did them. The drugs and the people took my mind off of things and the drugs enhanced sex I think I hardly remember any of the encounters but always had an unhappy, empty ending. Not worth it, I would much rather have dealt with these things from the get go instead of restarting everything at 33 years old. Reckless driving I also thought I enjoyed but after 4 DUI’s, many tickets and even more wrecks; I now understand that there are reasons for speed limits and such. Although I still do speed from time to time and it gives me a bit of a rush and there have been times that I wished I wrecked and died a tire blow out on the interstate or something. These are the moments that I think of all of the happy families that are traveling the roads and how devastating it would be if my inability to deal would, in turn cause them unnecessary grief. Finally, binge eating well I have been bulimic since I was sixteen years old. I’m an emotional eater so I also packed on the pounds the years that I didn’t purge.

To Be Continued…

Borderline Princess

As it pours down raining with that wonderful cool cleansing and watering of life. I sit here and reflect on my life all the good, the bad, the ugly, and sometimes the hilarity of all that is me. I have struggled my entire life and I never understood why. I’ve worked hard, had things most people can only dream of, and had some of the best and worst experiences. I have started and restarted this blog. I wanted it to be perfect but why? Life’s certainly not perfect! I finally have a name to explain my emotional outbursts. Borderline Personality Disorder…there are 9 symptoms of which I meet all 9. Here they are:

#1 Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

#2 A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships

#3 Identity disturbance- such as a significant and persistent unstable self image or sense of self

#4 Impulsivity- in at least two areas that are self-damaging (e.g. Spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving and binge eating)

#5 Recurrent suicidal behavior- gestures, threats or self-mutilating)

#6 Emotional Instability- due to significant reactivity in mood.

#7 Chronic feelings of emptiness

#8 Inappropriate intense anger or difficulty controlling anger

#9 Transient stress related paranoid thoughts

Although, I have gotten the paranoid thoughts under control with the help of a close friend. I used to walk into places and if people whispered and laughed I thought it was about me or if a friend didn’t call back I went into panics thinking I had done something wrong. One day my friend Tara wasn’t returning my calls and I went into a panic and I texted her “Did I do something wrong?” She called me and said “Tasha, I’m just having a bad day and need some time alone. The world doesn’t revolve around you!” I was so relieved to hear her say that. It really put into perspective that it was acinine that I was so concerned with what anyone else thought about me. Her statement although maybe harsh to some gave me so much relief that I was able to not feel paranoid in a room any longer. I also haven’t self mutilated my cousin did that and I didn’t want horrible scars so I avoided this behavior.

Everything else on the list has been a constant struggle for me. Putting a name to the behaviors has helped me to know that I’m not alone and has given me an opportunity to resolve the other symptoms so that I can deal with the root of the problem and move forward with my life.

My intent in writing this blog is not to brag about the stories but to tell you how I struggled and how for many years so that if you or someone you know is struggling with these things can avoid making the same mistakes and know that they are not alone.

I look forward to sharing my stories and journey with you. Have a beautiful day!